Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones (2002)

Episode II is even more awful than you remembered. There is so much wrong with it... Some of the worst “acting” you will ever see. Flat dialogue. “Jokes” that simply are not funny. Brightly lit green-screen sets that never seem real. Ponderous, almost faux-Shakespearean exchanges that hint at a weighty “significance” that never arrives. When Anakin tries to do “romance” – declaring his love for Padmé Amidala (Natalie Portman) – or indeed any kind of acting, it is excruciating. Hayden Christensen is way out of his depth and grotesquely miscast in the role of the troubled child about to become the evil dictator Darth Vader. Never once can you believe in him.

As with Episode I (1999), the weakest in the series, there’s something fundamentally “not quite right” about the whole film. There’s way too much of Obi-Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor) just...wandering around. And, but for a few action scenes, it’s incredibly s-l-o-w. Hard to believe this was designed to appeal to kids. Ian McDiarmid as Palpatine is the one redeeming feature.

Roxanne (1987)

Lovely romantic comedy: a retelling of the 1897 play Cyrano de Bergerac by Edmond Rostand. Steve Martin plays the wonderfully gifted fire chief for the small town of Nelson, who just happens to have a huge nose. He falls in love with a visiting astronomer, Roxanne (Daryl Hannah), who unfortunately is drawn to a good-looking dimwit instead. The love story is just part of the charm. There’s so much touching detail about how the people of the town live their lives, from the inept volunteer firemen to the various characters you get to know in Nelson’s bars, shops and cafés. Steve Martin is riveting as the aerobic, intellectual, poetic fire chief who eventually wins over the woman he loves. It’s heartwarming but also very funny for much of the time.

Ocean's Eleven (2001)

Completely unbelievable casino heist thriller. Some of the 11 criminals are caricatures, while Brad Pitt just eats during every scene. There are too many things in the plot that simply couldn’t happen, such as when they need to create a power cut and so steal a big piece of scientific equipment to release an electromagnet pulse that plunges all of Las Vegas into darkness. The guy with the English cockney accent is plain embarrassing. Why do American films and TV shows so often completely misjudge how English people speak? 

George Clooney is charming as Danny Ocean and Andy Garcia is convincingly nasty as the evil casino owner, but it’s too visually stylised and self-conscious to let you ever become fully engrossed in the story. 

Would I watch it again? No.

Fantastic 4 (2005)

Ludicrous Marvel film, which I found – still shrinkwrapped – on a bench in West Finchley. Plot: five people are exposed to mysterious cosmic rays while in space and are granted special powers. One of them becomes a baddie. The other four – the fantastic four – team up to use their powers for good. These powers are: 1. stretchy limbs, 2. strength, 3. fire/flying, and 4. invisibility. It’s shallow and forgettable. It wants to be funny and exciting but isn’t really either. The lame romance plot between Stretchy and Invisible limps along. Overall, it’s fairly poor – the sort of DVD I’d only watch if I found it on a bench.

The Family Stone (2005)

Funny and moving comedy drama about a family Christmas. The eldest of several children brings his girlfriend (Sarah Jessica Parker) to meet the family, with all sorts of unexpected consequences. There’s romance and tragedy, conflict and farce, and a lot of highly amusing moments along the way. Diane Keaton is superb as the mother – the centre of the family – who is dying of cancer. But unusually, every character is perfectly played and the writing is expertly judged. It tackles prejudice about privilege, deafness and homosexuality with a lightness of touch that stops it being heavy-handed. And ultimately, it’s as heartwarming a story as you’d expect from a Christmas film, but with enough sharp observation to prevent it ever becoming schmaltzy or predictable.

Sliding Doors (1998)

Intriguing romantic drama about a parallel-universe “What if?” life split in two. Gwyneth Paltrow and John Hannah are convincing in the lead roles, but the actors playing her cheating slimy boyfriend and his ludicrous mistress are terribly hammy. The boyfriend could have been evil but charming, but instead he’s just hopelessly unappealing so you have no idea why two women would like him so much – a major flaw. Plus, there’s a lot of swearing. On the plus side, Paltrow, an American, sustains an English accent. It’s set in west London and there are familiar landmarks aplenty. The potentially confusing mirror storylines work well in tandem and the film even manages a satisfying ending, which you would guess would be impossible. It “makes you think” as well as being entertaining.