Kingdom of Heaven (2005)

Ridley Scott is responsible for at least six great films (Alien, Blade Runner, Black Hawk Down, Body of Lies, Gladiator and Thelma & Louise), so it’s difficult to articulate just how disappointing this tepid 12th-century historical epic turns out to be. It’s a muddled account of power and politics set during the Crusades. 

Orlando Bloom underwhelms as the blacksmith hero descended from Baron Godfrey of Ibelin (Liam Neeson). After just one lesson from his dad, he becomes a master swordsman. There’s too much of him wandering around, ponderously contemplating his destiny and feeling “significant”. 

Eva Green (as Sibylla of Jerusalem) and Jeremy Irons (Raymond III of Tripoli) both try to do their best with the material, but – as with everyone in this film – their “characters” are sketchy outlines at best. They both look like they wish they were elsewhere. 

Even the visuals aren’t particularly impressive as the big battle scenes are ruined by endless slow-motion shots that take you out of the action rather than enhancing it.

Plot-wise, it’s confusing. Not only does it fail to provide any historical context about the Crusades, but it’s also completely lacking in terms of character motivations. You’re left unsure why anyone is doing whatever they are doing, and not really caring either.

The ending is a mess, too. The film peters out with very little resolved. A director’s cut adds 45 minutes that supposedly improve the film and help it to make sense, but if this standard edition wasn’t good enough it probably shouldn’t have been issued in the first place.

Elizabethtown (2005)

Slightly awkward comedy-drama directed by Cameron Crowe. 

Drewe (Orlando Bloom) works as a designer for a shoe company and somehow manages to lose them nearly a billion dollars. His boss (Alec Baldwin) fires him. About to commit suicide, Drew learns that his father has died. He travels to Elizabethtown, Kentucky, to arrange the funeral, and reconnects with friends and family. He also meets and falls in love with Claire (Kirsten Dunst), who gives him a reason to live. 

It’s all very odd. There’s a strong performance from Susan Sarandon (as Drew’s mother), who brings the family together with a funny and moving speech at the funeral, but Bloom himself is weak and cannot carry the lead role. Unable to convince you that he’s suicidal, he’s extremely dull to watch – a problematic vacuum at the very centre of the film. Dunst is as magnetic and charming as ever, and it’s worth watching just to see her, but it was difficult to understand what her sparkly character would like about someone so featureless. 

Some of the humour falls a little flat. Also, there’s too much music (a lot of it by Tom Petty) as almost every scene seems to be punctuated by a “moody” rock song. That worked in Almost Famous, because it was about the music world, but it’s merely intrusive here. Sometimes less is more. 

Roger Ebert claims that Claire is actually an angel and not to be taken too literally. Certainly the story is a salvation saga and there are themes of life/death, being doomed/redeemed and so on. Maybe that’s the case, but this additional layer doesn’t make the film more vital or entertaining. It needs more laughs and a credible male lead. Plus, the whole business about the shoe company seems random and misjudged. There are no insights into that industry nor why Drew might have been working in it.

An actor who looks like Loudon Wainwright turns out to be the actual Loudon Wainwright.

Troy (2004)

Epic retelling of Homer’s Iliad. It’s Troy (Turkey) in the 13th or 12th century BC, when men will fight for honour, for king, for country – and for a beautiful woman. Brad Pitt plays beefy Achilles, an almost superhero-type warrior with an appropriately one-dimensional personality – he’s a mythological archetype, not a soap opera character. Orlando Bloom is weedy and ineffectual as Prince Paris, who unwisely stole Helen of Troy (Diane Kruger) from King Menelaus of Sparta (Brendan Gleeson). Eric Bana is credible as Paris’s loyal brother, the sensitive Prince Hector. And Peter O’Toole has a certain gravity as the brothers’ elderly father, King Priam. Meanwhile, Sean Bean is his usual Sean Beany self as Odysseus.

As a “sword and sandals” blockbuster, it’s effective in an unsubtle way. There are a lot of sweaty biceps – almost fetishistically displayed – and the huge battle scenes are impressive, even if they are computer-generated. In terms of the acting, it’s performed in a “high style” that’s often ridiculous but which somehow works. Again, it’s not subtle.

The famous Trojan Horse is relatively underplayed in the plot, which I liked. Also, it seemed more real because it was clearly a load of old wooden planks taken from their ships and hurriedly bashed together, rather than the finely crafted “horse” shape you often see in illustrations of the tale.

So is the film any good? I’m not entirely sure. But the source material – the decade-long Trojan War of Greek mythology – is rich and resonant enough that the story cannot really fail.