15 Minutes (2001)

A fundamentally misconceived thriller that somehow stars Robert De Niro. It’s an extremely heavy-handed satire about fame and the media that fails on multiple levels. 

Two eastern European criminals arrive in New York City. (They are portrayed in a crassly simplistic, racist manner.) The pair want to be famous, and will commit murder to achieve that. Meanwhile, a detective (De Niro) and a fire investigator (Edward Burns) team up to catch them. 

There are lots of unexpected twists – not because the film is well-plotted, but because it’s a sprawling mess. Certain threads are never resolved, such as the fate of Vera Farmiga’s character. She’s meant to be the love interest, but she’s quietly sent away rather than being allowed to develop her relationship with Burns’ character. 

The biggest flaw of all is the two criminals, who are woefully one-dimensional and presumably intended to be semi-comedic (the tone of the film is especially uneven). One of them video-tapes everything they do, thereby incriminating them. Maddeningly, the film presents some of the action through their camera footage – a gimmick that very quickly wears thin. This camcorder view of the violence also seems like exactly the sort of sensationalist rubbish the film claims to be satirising. It’s way dumber than it thinks it is. 

There’s also a silly plot about a true-crime TV show presented by Kelsey Grammer (of Frasier) that feels like a different film entirely. 

It’s frustrating because De Niro, Burns and Farmiga are all on good form, and some of their scenes are highly watchable. It’s as if director John Herzfeld sub-contracted some of the work, so jarring and uneven are the various different kinds of film clumsily cobbled together for the final edit.

Transformers: Age of Extinction (2014)

A ludicrous mess. Part four of the popular series stars Mark Wahlberg as an inventor, Nicola Peltz as his daughter and Jack Reynor as her boyfriend. The baddies are played by Stanley Tucci and Kelsey Grammer. 

The plot (borrowed from the internet): “The Autobots, a faction of robots from the planet Cybertron, are hunted down by an elite CIA black ops unit and a ruthless bounty hunter. They turn to a struggling inventor and his daughter for help.”

It turns out that it was the Transformers, and not a meteorite, that caused the death of the dinosaurs. 

The robots have been given silly voices and accents, which makes them a lot less scary. One of them even seems to have a beard and a cigar. Why? It’s nice to see them transform out of cars and lorries, but it’s utterly exhausting to see so much “impossible” CGI so quickly unfolding for such a long time. The running time of 165 minutes is wildly excessive. 

Everything is so big, loud, fast and explosive that the film quickly finds it has nowhere left to go. In dramatic terms, it’s a disaster: you are left completely numb by the relentlessness of it. But on the plus side, it’s unintentionally funny and some of the daft dialogue is absolutely priceless. For example: “Autobots, we’re going to prove who we are! That’s why we’re here!”