What’s New Pussycat? (1965)

Deeply unfunny farce directed by Clive Donner. 

Peter O’Toole is a playboy who can’t stop chasing after women in Paris. Peter Sellers is a lecherous therapist with his own problems. Woody Allen is in love with O’Toole’s fiance. It’s all over the place, both in terms of storytelling (a potentially interesting love triangle idea is quickly forgotten) and morals, which seem informed by a curious mixture of Carry On-style English repression and clichés about “European” looseness. In the world of this film, men are portrayed as womanising beasts and women exist only to please them. 

The only laughs come from Woody Allen, who is naturally funny in his scenes – although he does have to take the blame for writing such a poor script overall. Peter Sellers is once again wearing a silly wig and doing a silly accent, but neither of those generate any hilarity. The final section – Ursula Andress literally parachutes into the film and everyone runs around after each other in a country hotel – seems muddled and desperate, as any notion of “plot” is completely abandoned for cheap visual gags that fall flat.

I don’t like the theme song sung by Tom Jones, either.

Troy (2004)

Epic retelling of Homer’s Iliad. It’s Troy (Turkey) in the 13th or 12th century BC, when men will fight for honour, for king, for country – and for a beautiful woman. Brad Pitt plays beefy Achilles, an almost superhero-type warrior with an appropriately one-dimensional personality – he’s a mythological archetype, not a soap opera character. Orlando Bloom is weedy and ineffectual as Prince Paris, who unwisely stole Helen of Troy (Diane Kruger) from King Menelaus of Sparta (Brendan Gleeson). Eric Bana is credible as Paris’s loyal brother, the sensitive Prince Hector. And Peter O’Toole has a certain gravity as the brothers’ elderly father, King Priam. Meanwhile, Sean Bean is his usual Sean Beany self as Odysseus.

As a “sword and sandals” blockbuster, it’s effective in an unsubtle way. There are a lot of sweaty biceps – almost fetishistically displayed – and the huge battle scenes are impressive, even if they are computer-generated. In terms of the acting, it’s performed in a “high style” that’s often ridiculous but which somehow works. Again, it’s not subtle.

The famous Trojan Horse is relatively underplayed in the plot, which I liked. Also, it seemed more real because it was clearly a load of old wooden planks taken from their ships and hurriedly bashed together, rather than the finely crafted “horse” shape you often see in illustrations of the tale.

So is the film any good? I’m not entirely sure. But the source material – the decade-long Trojan War of Greek mythology – is rich and resonant enough that the story cannot really fail.

Supergirl (1984)

A ludicrous mess. Kara Zor-El, the cousin of Superman, comes to Earth in pursuit of the Omegahedron – an orb with remarkable powers. This mystical ball falls into the hands of an evil witch called Selena who, for some reason, lives in a disused fairground with her annoying friend Bianca. It’s difficult to say whose acting is worse: Peter O’Toole, Peter Cook or Faye Dunaway all ham it up like mad, wrestling with a fundamentally flawed script. Unsure whether to play it for laughs or kitsch kicks, they flail around like pantomime actors who failed their am-dram audition. Helen Slater is actually quite appealing as Supergirl/Linda Lee. There’s a vulnerability and naivety that is endearing. And the sections in which she starts at school and befriends a girl called Lucy Lane – Lois Lane’s sister, amazingly enough – hint at another, more charming film with human-interest elements you can relate to. More of this would have been welcome. But it’s wildly uneven in tone and there are colossal holes in the plot logic. For example, when Selena first acquires her sinister powers she inexplicably puts aside the thoughts of world domination she has already shared with Peter Cook. Instead, she decides to kidnap a gardener, drug him with a love potion and then – when he wanders off – uses telekinesis to steer a construction vehicle through the streets to return him to her. Why? This is one of the few action sequences, but it’s still a small-scale affair involving a few cars, some burning tyres, a water tower and some hay blowing around the street. It certainly doesn’t have the epic scale of the first two Superman films, which seemed to use the whole Earth as their set. In fact, Supergirl seems relatively low-budget despite being made for $35 million by the same production team. Despite all the woeful elements, it was just about entertaining enough for me to make it through to the end. The flying sequences are a thrill, just as they always were with Christopher Reeve, and the rare moments in which Supergirl displays her powers are enjoyable. But the film could have been so much better.