Kingdom of Heaven (2005)

Ridley Scott is responsible for at least six great films (Alien, Blade Runner, Black Hawk Down, Body of Lies, Gladiator and Thelma & Louise), so it’s difficult to articulate just how disappointing this tepid 12th-century historical epic turns out to be. It’s a muddled account of power and politics set during the Crusades. 

Orlando Bloom underwhelms as the blacksmith hero descended from Baron Godfrey of Ibelin (Liam Neeson). After just one lesson from his dad, he becomes a master swordsman. There’s too much of him wandering around, ponderously contemplating his destiny and feeling “significant”. 

Eva Green (as Sibylla of Jerusalem) and Jeremy Irons (Raymond III of Tripoli) both try to do their best with the material, but – as with everyone in this film – their “characters” are sketchy outlines at best. They both look like they wish they were elsewhere. 

Even the visuals aren’t particularly impressive as the big battle scenes are ruined by endless slow-motion shots that take you out of the action rather than enhancing it.

Plot-wise, it’s confusing. Not only does it fail to provide any historical context about the Crusades, but it’s also completely lacking in terms of character motivations. You’re left unsure why anyone is doing whatever they are doing, and not really caring either.

The ending is a mess, too. The film peters out with very little resolved. A director’s cut adds 45 minutes that supposedly improve the film and help it to make sense, but if this standard edition wasn’t good enough it probably shouldn’t have been issued in the first place.